Sunday, May 24, 2009

Hard News Roundup


Sorry this has taken so long. There was a delay while arrangements were being made for various things. This blog is in the process of obtaining a private plane, particularly to transport all of its loyal readers to the vacation home. I'll leave it as a surprise where that's going to be.


Fortunately, many of these news items never get old. For example, did you know that Urban Decay (slogan: "beauty with an edge") makes a lovely product called "Pocket Rocket Lip Gloss"? I'll tell you what that is, and when you don't believe me you'll click over there and see for yourself. Remember those pens that featured ladies whose clothes would disappear when you turned the pen upside down? That's the idea behind Pocket Rocket, only, as you probably guessed, it's guys stripping down. But there's more! "Need to lure a real man? Give the tube a rub to release pheromones into the air! Undetectable to the smell, pheromones enhance mood and sexual attraction." I am not making this up. The tube is flat, so it slides easily into a pocket. Oh, and there's lip gloss in it. That tastes like crème brûlée. You're supposed to pick based on what kind of guy you lust over, so if you're looking for a family man, pick "Julio," because Julio is holding a little baby girl, and when you undress him down to his boxers, the child is in a diaper, too. I am really not making this up.

***
So, most of us have been on job interviews, and they vary in how difficult their questions are. The worst interview I ever had to endure was for a judicial clerkship, in which the judge asked me what I did besides what was on my résumé. At that point in my life, pretty much EVERYTHING I'd done that had any value at all was on my résumé. So I got all tongue-tied. (Um, uh, please give me the job ... except not, because you seem scary ....) In any event, we at least know that we won't be asked questions about our sex life! Right? Click here and check out John Kelly's column, in which he describes a recent interview in which the job-seeker was asked whether he might take part in an orgy.

***
On April 27, I posted the Hard News summer fashion preview. July-like warmth, sans humidity, in the D.C. area brought out the shorts that weekend. It appears that short shorts are in this year, which is all right, I guess. But I also observed shorts with ... wait for it ... boots. Yeah. People, I love boots. In the fall and winter. They don't go with shorts. Especially the fur-trimmed and sheepskin-lined ones. Also, I saw one person wearing shorts with knee socks. I looked carefully and fearfully for more of these, and thankfully found none. But since then I have seen both of these combinations again. Gah.

***
George Clooney, who is a fellow expert on intellectual property law, contributed this item: The family of the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. wants the MLK National Memorial Foundation $800,000. The foundation is building, um, well, a memorial to MLK, and will be using, um, well, his likeness, and, um, y'know, some of his words, so the fam wants to be recompensed. It's so dumb, me can't really talk good about it. George, is there a follow-up to this?


***
Back on April 9, alert reader Liev Schreiber sent this gem which I'm just going to quote.



On Tuesday, State Rep. Betty Brown (R) caused a firestorm during House testimony on voter identification legislation when she said that Asian-Americans should change their names because they’re too hard to pronounce:

“Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese — I understand it’s a rather difficult language — do you think that it would behoove you and your citizens to adopt a name that we could deal with more readily here?” Brown said.


***
On April 23 I wondered what kind of soulless person would create a Baby Shaker iPhone app, and what kind of soulless company (hello, Apple) would allow said app to be sold, and what kind of soulless people would purchase and use said app. In case you're not aware, it's okay to put a crying baby in a safe place and walk away for a while. It is NEVER NEVER NEVER okay to shake a baby. ONE shake can cause brain damage and death.

***
And speaking of babies, on April 13, a hard news flash: people are stupid. Amy Dickinson's advice column in the Post's Style section that day contained this letter: "Dear Amy: Like other readers of your column, I also have a problem attending showers for babies of unwed mothers. I simply send a gift and don't attend the shower. A baby born out of wedlock is not something to celebrate, and I'm not going to be pressured into going. Signed: Having My Say."

Amy's answer was great: "I believe every child born is 'something to celebrate,' but because of your particular point of view, you are wise to stay home." In other words, you're a freakin' idiot and you don't get cake. P.S. Can we please stop using that awful word "wedlock"? What the heck is "wedlock"?


***
And speaking of babies, on May 14, once again, I observed that, except for all of the SMRT people reading this right now, people are stupid. Exhibit A: Amy's column that day featured reader responses to a request for advice on what to say to people when they ask you when you are going to have kids, when, in fact, you don't intend to. My favorite (read: the stupidest) response was from "Disgusted," who said, "'No Babies' should more honestly rationalize her decision by just admitting 'I'm selfish, and I don't want to interrupt my lifestyle,' or 'I dislike children; they are so untidy,' or 'I'm afraid I'd make a child turn out as miserably neurotic as myself.'"

I truly liked this one, though: "A better answer for a childless couple might be to just pick any date far in the future and when busybodies ask, 'When are you planning to start having children?' you could say, 'Nov. 11, 2022.'" But George Clooney said that he would suggest a "smart-ass, scary response -- something like, 'I wish I could. I really do. But remaining childless is a condition of my parole.'" Love it.

***
On April 8, I passed on this quote from David Axelrod: "Why didn't the waters part, the sun shine and all ills of the world disappear because President Obama came to Europe this week?... That wasn't our expectation." It...wasn't? Why not, Dave?

***
On April 7, I noted that sixteen billion jellybeans would be eaten by people around that sugary bunny holiday, while some of us happily ate matzah instead. But more importantly, the U of M wanted to show a porn flick at the Hoff Theater (and to serve jellybeans therewith, perhaps). But Maryland Senator Andrew P. Harris (R-Baltimore County) didn't like that idea much, and threatened to withhold the university's construction funding if it happened. So, like good college students, they devised a workaround. Instead of showing the whole movie in the theater, they showed parts of the movie in a lecture hall, and made it all educational-like by having people speak on issues like free speech. Opposite this article, a columnist criticizes the U's president for having "caved" by cancelling the film as soon as "conservatives in Annapolis saw a dandy weapon to wield against those libertines of academia." Also, a letter to the editor asks "[h]ow many of these holier-than-thou politicians have accepted campaign contributions from telecom and cable companies that derive a significant percentage of their revenue from pay-per-view porn? Will our conservative Republican, family values heroes be returning these contributions?"


***
On April 8, there was more Maryland news. The university's senate was trying to get the powers that be to remove the invocation from commencement ceremonies. I personally love this because I actually succeeded in having direct mentions of Jesus removed from the prayers said during my law school graduation at Catholic U. (I'm sure Jesus returned in subsequent ceremonies.) The Maryland students' reasoning is the same as mine was: "many people ... 'felt excluded or marginalized.'" The U of M prayer has not been removed.

***
The next post might be about Government for Dummies. It also might be about trying to control our children's bad language. As a preview to that, you may want to hear a song from Chris Cornell's lastest record (a departure from his earlier work, but really good, despite what the critics have said). Embedding is not allowed so you have to click to YouTube. You need to ignore the video itself; it's not great, concentrate on Cornell himself (for the ladies), the scantily clad females (for the guys), and the song. You can totally play this for your kids; mine call it "The Fish Song." You might want to tell them it's the Fish Song before you play it very loud for them in front of your friends. Trust me.

6 comments:

Shtuey said...

Are those pheromones in your pocket or am I just happy to see you? This is the kind of nonsense that is delaying the perfection and proliferation of transporter technology.

Armchair General said...

"The family of the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. wants the MLK National Memorial Foundation $800,000."

I feel like there's something missing from that sentence.

Unrelated: I now have the "who wears short shorts" Nair ad in my head. Thank you.

And: The last time I saw shorts with knee-high tube socks was The Commodores' "Lady, You Bring Me Up" music video.

12tequilas said...

AG, I did fix that sentence but I'm having this weird problem where my changes don't take. It's either Blogger or the browser. But thanks, I am more motivated to fix it, once I fix the stupid Facebook issue I'm having. Anyway, lemme know if you spot any kneesocks or boots with shorts, or any other unseasonal ideas that arise.

Kathy said...

The video is...interesting. 1) The music is strangely like a video game I have (ie very limited in sound) and 2) my kids should never hear "fish ate a part of me" because they will never ever swim in a lake or ocean then! Thanks for sharing ;-)

12tequilas said...

Kathy, of course, this is YouTube and all so it's tough to judge, but the truth is, that song isn't the best on the album. The album as a whole is excellent; I would have picked a different song but a) there were only a couple available on YT and b) the point about the "fish." I see what you are saying about that, but so far so good here, until I get a call from a teacher....

Blogger said...

I've just installed iStripper, and now I can watch the best virtual strippers on my desktop.